[Lnc-business] Comments regarding draft minutes of July 3 meeting

[Caryn Ann Harlos]

Dr. Lark, thank you so much for your comments, and I will take them
into consideration in my next draft.  I see a few where I do disagree
such as placements of commas (due to a particularly dictatorial prior
boss who drummed the rules of commas into my head) and using consists
of instead of comprises - comprises is used correctly there and is my
style and voice
(http://www.english-for-students.com/What-is-the-difference-between-Comprise-and-Consist.html)
- personally I find consists of to be more informal than comprises and
thus I favour the latter.  There may be a few more examples--as a
writer, there are certain stylistic preferences that I do hold.
However, I do heartily approve of the suggested change involving the
sentence splice with the semi-colon.  Semi-colons are woefully
neglected.

Mr. Merced's ballot was recorded correctly.  It appears he was
confused during the hectic rush and mistook the candidates.

-Caryn Ann

On Mon, Jul 30, 2018 at 8:05 PM, James Lark via Lnc-business
<lnc-business at hq.lp.org> wrote:
>  Dear colleagues:
>
>     I hope all is well with you.  I have enclosed below comments regarding
> the draft minutes of the July 3 meeting; I hope you find them worthy of
> consideration.  As you will note, most of the comments involve stylistic
> matters.  I apologize that I was unable to prepare and send these comments
> sooner; I have been remarkably busy since Independence Day.
>
>     Thanks for your work for liberty.  I look forward to seeing you in the
> Valley of the Sun.
>
>     Take care,
>     Jim
>
>     James W. Lark, III
>     Professor, Dept. of Systems and Information Engineering
>     Professor, Applied Mathematics Program, Dept. of Engineering and Society
>     Affiliated Faculty, Department of Statistics
>     University of Virginia
>
>     Advisor, The Liberty Coalition
>     University of Virginia
>
>     Region 5 Representative, Libertarian National Committee
> -----
>
> General comments:
>
> *  As a stylistic matter, I believe it would improve the readability if more
> clauses were set off by use of commas.  For example, the following sentence
> appears on p. 5:
>
> Ms. Harlos confirmed that the prior HPC members comprised herself, Dr. Joe
> Buchman, Joe Dehn, Ed Fochler, and James Gholston and that they were all
> active and participating.
>
> I believe it would be better to set off the phrase “and that they were all
> active and participating” by use of a comma following the name of Mr.
> Gholston.  As an aside, please note my comment below (involving an item on
> p.5) concerning the use of honorifics.
>
>
> p.1:
>
> *  I suggest that the phrase “Post-Convention” be removed from the title
> block and the footer.
>
> *  Under Prelude, perhaps reword the phrase “The potential agenda for the
> meeting …” as “The proposed agenda for the meeting ….”
>
>
> p. 2:
>
> *  Since Mr. Fields' position as Press Secretary has not been mentioned as
> of this point in the text, it would be appropriate to identify him (perhaps
> parenthetically) as such.
>
> *  Since the states associated with regions are evidently listed in
> alphabetical order, Virginia should be listed before West Virginia in the
> list of the Region 5 state affiliates.
>
>
> p. 3:
>
> *  Perhaps reword the sentence “It is noted that Alicia Mattson and Dustin
> Nanna arrived late due to being tied up with other convention-related
> duties.” as follows:
>
> Ms. Mattson and Mr. Nanna arrived following the call to order due to their
> involvement with other convention-related duties.
>
> *  I believe it would be appropriate to identify Ms. Daugherty and Mr. Burns
> as Head of Development (Director of Development?) and State Affiliate
> Development Specialist, respectively.  (Note:  I don't know whether Ms.
> Daugherty's appointment as Director of Development was in effect as of the
> LNC meeting.)
>
> *  Perhaps reword the phrase “The gallery contained multiple other attendees
> …” as “The gallery contained many other attendees ….”
>
>
> p. 4:
>
> *  Perhaps reword the phrase “Mr. Goldstein inquired if re-creating …” as
> “Mr. Goldstein inquired whether re-creating ….”
>
> *  Mr. Bishop-Henchman's surname is listed as Bishop Henchman, rather than
> Bishop-Henchman.
>
> *  Perhaps reword the phrase “… for use by the national office and to make
> arrangements to view the Review of Harassment and Offensive Behavior
> Prohibition training video” as “… for use by the national office, and to
> distribute the Review of Harassment and Offensive Behavior Prohibition
> training video.”
>
> *  I believe the sentence “Dr. Lark suggested that the requirements for
> Executive Session confidentiality be discussed” should be rephrased as
> follows:
>
> Dr. Lark suggested that the legal issues regarding Executive Session be
> mentioned.
>
>
> p. 5:
>
> *  Perhaps reword the phrase “Ms. Harlos confirmed that the prior HPC
> members comprised herself, Dr. Joe Buchman, Joe Dehn, Ed Fochler, and James
> Gholston and that they …” as “Ms. Harlos noted that the prior HPC members
> consisted of herself, Joe Buchman, Joe Dehn, Ed Fochler, and James Gholston,
> and that they ….”
>
> Note:  Honorifics such as Dr. and Prof. should not be used in listing
> members of a committee unless the honorific is associated with a status that
> is relevant to the composition and/or function of the committee.
>
> *  Perhaps reword the sentence “Dr. Lark asked that the LNC thank Ms. Harlos
> and her committee members for the fine work that they have done which was
> met with a round of applause” as follows:
>
> Dr. Lark suggested that the LNC thank Ms. Harlos and her committee members
> for their fine work; the LNC provided a round of applause.
>
>
> p. 6:
>
> *  Perhaps reword the sentence “It is typically used for time-sensitive
> items that need to be taken up more quickly than the next LNC meeting or
> email ballot” as follows:
>
> The EC typically acts upon time-sensitive items that must be addressed
> before an LNC meeting can be called or an email ballot completed.
>
> In addition, I believe it would be appropriate to reword the sentence "The
> Executive Committee comprises the four (4) officers and three (3)
> non-officer members" as follows:
>
> The Executive Committee typically consists of the four (4) officers and
> three (3) non-officer members.
>
> *  Perhaps reword the sentence “Mr. Fields commented on his experiences with
> the APRC and interacted with several past members to obtain clarification on
> the current policies” as follows:
>
> Mr. Fields commented on his experiences with the APRC, and sought
> clarification concerning the current policies.
>
>
> p. 7:
>
> *  Perhaps reword the phrase “The Ballot Access Committee comprises …” as
> “The Ballot Access Committee consists of ...."  Also, Ed Marsh is not
> mentioned prior to his listing as a member of the previous BAC; I believe it
> would be appropriate to mention his first name in the listing.
>
>
> p. 8:
>
> *  Perhaps reword the phrase “Ken Moellman (former BAC Chair) reminded
> everyone that …” as “Ken Moellman (former BAC Chair) noted that ….”
>
> *  On both page 8 and page 9, Dr. Olsen is identified as Mr. Olsen, whereas
> he is identified as Dr. Olsen in several other locations.
>
> *  As far as I am aware, Mr. Nanna, Mr. Phillips, and Mr. Redpath were not
> candidates for election to the Candidate Support Committee.  However, their
> names are listed as vote recipients in the vote table, apparently because
> Mr. Merced cast his votes for them.  If this is the case, Mr. Merced voted
> for three people who were not candidates, and did not vote for any of those
> who were candidates.
>
>    I hope it will not be considered impertinent to inquire whether there has
> been an error in the recording of Mr. Merced's ballot.
>
> p. 9:
>
> *  The following sentence appears under Treasurer's Report:  Mr. Sarwark
> also signed up so many new Life Members that he ran out of Life Member pins.
>
> Did Mr. Sarwark actually sign up all of the new Life Members to whom he
> presented pins?  If not, I suggest that the sentence be worded along the
> following lines:  Mr. Sarwark awarded so many Life Member pins to new LIfe
> Members that he ran out of pins.
>
>  p. 11:
>
> *  As far as I am aware, Marc Montoni is not a rabbi (at least, not in the
> usual sense).  Even if he is a rabbi, I don't believe honorifics should be
> used in listing names on a roster.
>
>
>
>
>



-- 
-- 
In Liberty,
Caryn Ann Harlos
Libertarian Party and Libertarian National Committee Secretary -
Caryn.Ann. Harlos at LP.org or Secretary at LP.org.
Chair, LP Historical Preservation Committee - LPedia at LP.org

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